Amsterdam, NY (August 26, 2014) — With its recent legislative successes in banning the double scourge of basketball and smartphones, the Common Council now hopes to leverage their success into a broader mandate against things city residents may actually enjoy and support.
Here is the proposed resolution to be presented at next week’s Council meeting:
Whereas the Council has divine wisdom and authority in all matters effecting the lives of its subjects, so be it proclaimed that we ban and prohibit the following from within the lands of the city:
#1 Devices With No Visible Wires — no device which operates without a visible wire will be permitted. Telephones should have lengthy wires , easily entangled, and must connect to a wall; the use of push buttons is permitted on a phone but only if the buttons are not pressed too quickly in succession as that will break the wire. Exemptions to this rule apply to radios with an AM band so the Council may hold court with its subjects and profess its wisdom upon the land.
#2 The Arts -- any form of painting, sculpture, mural, fresco, sketch, drawing shall be banned within the city from this day forward. Existing works of art must be painted over with a color (choose from: light grey, medium grey, dark grey) , or if impractical, covered in sheetrock so subjects may not gaze upon it. Sheetrock must look ‘corporate’ (choose from: light grey, off-white, off-off-white).
#3 The River — no subject shall at any time gaze or wander near or along the river. The river exists solely for its function to capture runoff and, as proclaimed by our wise elders of ages past, to capture chemicals and wastes for the economic production of goods. No other purpose or privilege shall be granted.
#4 Happiness and Joy — no subject shall be permitted to express current or expected enthusiasm, joy or delight as all experiences of happiness were in days long-gone, never to be experienced again, and only held as distant, albeit vague and likely romanticized , memories. Any subject expressing such sentiments will be deemed unfit as a proper subject of the city by the Council. Hereby any and all events, fairs, gatherings shall be prohibited.
#5 Reason and Facts -- the use of reason and facts shall be prohibited and reason and facts must not be used as the basis for any action or policy of the Council or its subjects. Reason leads us to falsely conclude that if Aristotle is a man and if man is mortal , then Aristotle is mortal. But reason misses the superiority of opinion to reason which argues that “I believe Aristotle was a penguin and does not a penguin eat fish? Therefore , Aristotle was not mortal, he merely favored seafood to yogurt, for was not Aristotle Greek?!.” From this day forward, opinion of subjects shall trump the falsehoods inherent in facts and reason.
#6 Kids — for purposes of this ban, a kid refers to any subject 35 years or younger. No kid shall be accorded privileges within the city and shall be actively encouraged to leave. For kids require education, parks, social activities and a slew of other services, the Council and its Court deem this an untenable situation which requires immediate and foremost resolution.